


I Deserve This

by The_Selective_Participater



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt Dean, Hurt No Comfort, Ok maybe a little Sorry, Post-Episode: s09e13 The Purge, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 07:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4052341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Selective_Participater/pseuds/The_Selective_Participater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Finally.”</p><p>The word was barely a whisper. A soft breath.  It was a weight literally lifted off his shoulders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing.  
> I wish I did but sadly no.

 

_“No, Dean. I wouldn't.”_

_“Same circumstances...I wouldn't.”_

 

Although he would like to say he was taken aback by Sam’s words, he couldn’t. As he stood listening to the retreating sound of his brother’s footsteps a smile crept across the elder Winchester’s face. A genuine smile. The kind where the corners of his eyes crinkled and decades of worry was erased from his face with a radiant flash of teeth.

“Finally.”

The word was barely a whisper. A soft breath. It was a weight literally lifted off his shoulders. He’d been waiting for this moment all his life. _This_ , this moment when it was finally confirmed just how completely worthless he was.

“Finally.” He breathed again followed by a huff of silent laugher. Making his way over to his room he thought of pouring himself a stiff drink before realizing the crushing vise that had permanently resided around his lungs for as long as he could remember was gone. The ache only made bearable by the burn of alcohol and the occasional fuck dissipated leaving him with an almost euphoric lightness.

He couldn’t blame Sam or his father, not really. They really did try. But his failures as a son and a brother, just basically as a human being, were too glaringly obvious to ignore. He was a fuck-up. And he tried _God did he try_ not to be a burden but in the end he always ended up hurting the people he cared about the most. It cost them their father. Bobby. Kevin. Joe. Ellen. And not a day went by that he wished John didn’t make that deal to save his worthless life and had just let him die. There was no reason for false pretenses; it was what they all wanted. Dean wasn’t a bullshitter nor was he delusional. He knew this mission he was on was going to end bloody. Even if he did survive his run-in with Abbaddon he knew he’d have to finish the job himself, if the blade could kill Cain it would work for him too. Every passing day the rage and bloodlust grew. He no longer slept; the images of his dreams made his stint in hell look like vacation in Cancun. He ate only to avoid Sam’s scrutiny and unavoidable bitchface. With every bite the coppery and all too familiar taste of blood would overwhelm him and he’d take an abrupt “bathroom break” to purge himself of the foul taste. The mark was doing something to him and he’d be damned-ha ha- if he was going to just sit around and do nothing about it.

Sam’s words were permission, permission to finally do what he should have done years ago. Sam would finally be free to live the normal life that he’d always wanted before Dean selfishly tore him away from Stanford. From Jess. All because he was too scared, too _cowardly_ to be alone. This mission would set his little brother free and give him the chance to do something good for a chance.

 

As he stumbled against his brother, growing weaker with each passing second he knew his time was finally up.

_“Sam hold up…Hold up…I gotta say s’mthin to you...”_

Cas was upstairs fixing heaven. He killed Abbaddon; And Sammy would live the life he always wanted now that he’d be out of the picture. The thought warmed his rapidly fading heart and he reached out to touch his little brother one last time, smiling briefly.

_“I’m proud of us.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
